Conan, The Grammarian

Yesterday morning I got the latest red-scarf pattern all ready to post; I just needed to upload the files and put the link on my blog, which I figured I'd do right after knitting group. As soon as I got there and pulled out the scarf to work on, however, I was reminded of #6 on my list (note that I did not call this a list of resolutions: I should probably have headed it Ten More Bricks on the Road to Hell) and encouraged to submit the design for publication. I am using "encouraged" here in the sense of "hectored, bullied, nagged, and badgered mercilessly until I gave in," and I am employing the passive voice quite deliberately so as to avoid placing blame where it is richly deserved doesn't belong.

Sadly, however, this means that not only can I give you neither the pattern for nor even a picture of the scarf-in-progress, I can't send it to Red Scarf either. So I will shortly be starting another scarf in simple ribbing.

Instead of a pattern, therefore, I have been inspired by Norma to offer as a public service a brief mnemonic primer on the correct use of its and it's. While I admit that getting this right seems in no way correlated with the ability to turn out consistently funny, moving, inspirational and otherwise effective prose, seeing it wrong will someday drive me wacko; and, let's face it, I'm not too far from the edge. So here we go.

My, your, his, her, and its are all possessive pronouns.

I'm, you're, he's, she's, and it's are all contractions of pronouns and the present tense of the verb to be, meaning I am, you are, and so forth.

You will note that none of the possessive pronouns has an apostrophe (observing in passing that none means not one and is thus singular), and every contraction does have one. By replacing it with another pronoun, you can see whether to use the apostrophe.

While I'm on the subject, I would like point out that might is the past tense of may and is required for conditions contrary to fact. It is incorrect to say "If he had caught that ball, he may have scored a touchdown." Sportscasters have a lot to answer for. (Please do not tell me that that should be "a lot for which to answer": that's the sort of nonsense up with which I won't put.)

Thank you. I feel better now.